Two months, this time. It wasn't that he was avoiding the clan, exactly, so much as avoiding having to figure out what his life in the clan was. He never seemed to say the right thing, when the Keeper spoke to him. She wanted responsibility and team work, and he- well, at the moment, he wanted to tell someone about the troupe of dwarven actors that he'd stumbled across on their way from Kirkwall to Starkhaven. Or about that one particular nug that he could have sworn was golden.
If he'd had brothers or sisters, perhaps that would have done - but save the general familial ties of his clan, Gavin had no family.
Which is probably why he was coming to bother Beleth, when he arrived back, rather than visit anyone else.
"Brought you something," He said as he ducked down beside her. He always tried to bring souvenirs back from his wanderings - it tended to lessen the yelling.
Beleth's life in the clan was laid out for her. Indeed, she had made few decisions in the grand scheme of her life, however average it was for a Dalish. Showing few skills elsewhere, she'd been apprenticed to the Hunters. When one of the skills that did emerge was an ability to speak amicably with nearly everyone, no matter how prickly they might be, she became one of the main traders with the humans. That was her life.
What she wanted or didn't want rarely factored into these things.
Maybe that's why she got along so well with Gavin. She envied him, in a way. She could never imagine just taking off like he did, wandering in and out of the clan like a half-feral cat. She was curious about the world outside of the clan, but she was more worried about how the clan would perceive her doing that. If they would talk about her like they spoke about Gavin.
When he does show up, though, he's greeted with an enthusiastic grin. "You're back! I was so worried, Gavin, would it kill you to send a note back once in a while? Let us know you haven't ended up dead in a ditch?" She didn't bother to tell him that the Keeper wasn't pleased, that there was yet more murmuring about him, because he probably already knew that. Instead, she clucks at him like a mother hen, reaching up to take his shoulder, and carefully inspect his face for signs of any hardship. "Are you hungry? I can sneak you a meal, if you want. But tell me--Where did you go?"
And, of course, what did he get her, but Beleth would never be rude enough to demand a gift.
The grin she gave him pulled an immediate one to his lips in reply, though he tried to wave away the fuss she made over him. "Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. Though I think the Keeper might actually be relieved if I managed to get myself holed up somewhere else." His grin turned lopsided as he swung his bow and quiver down in front of him. "And starving, but I think I should probably face the music eventually, and best to do that when I can look starved and pathetic."
He opened up his pack, rummaging through it. "Oh, here and there. Kirkwall, first, though it seemed like a bit of a mess was brewing, so I turned around and went to Starkhaven instead - you should have seen the dwarves I met! I tried to take a ship to Ferelden - I know, I know, it's too far, but I thought it would be interesting anyway - but of course then I went and got sea sick. About that time I ran out of anything worth trading, so home sounded the best bet. Aha!" He paused as he fished out something wrapped up tightly in a cloth. When he unwrapped it, a delicate, silver woven mask was revealed. It should have been Orlesian, but there was something strange about it. Heavier looking than it should be.
"Here," He said, handing it to her. "Dwarven, if you would believe it. I traded it for a ram I was getting ready to roast, to some very hungry actors."
"I would be sad, if you stayed away permanently." She replies, craning her neck to peer curiously at his pack as he went through it. "She really would miss you, you know. I can tell." That's a lie, Beleth is closer with the halla than she is her own mother. She has no idea how the woman feels on anything, even when the woman states it clearly, because just like Beleth, what she says is not always what it looks like on the surface. But it sounded nice to say, and Beleth felt like it was something that ought to be said.
"Kirkwall--Gavin, that place is a hornet's nest! I can't believe you went there, you're lucky the templars didn't just kill you on the off chance you might be an apostate! And--Ferelden, really?" She frowned at that, fussing turning into genuine concern. He'd been gone two months--If he'd managed to get to Ferelden, it could have been well over a year. "Gavin, that really is too far." Her voice was reproachful, sighing even as she reached to take his present. "I know you wander, but Ferelden is..."
Her words drifted off, never to be finished as he unwraps the gift. Instead, disapproval turned into surprise, to see something so fine, so beautiful. She took it with careful hands, afraid that her rough fingers could ruin something so fine. "Oh, Gavin. This is beautiful. Are you sure I can have it?" She wasn't sure what she would do with such a thing, for she was no actor. But it was a rare thing for her, to possess something that had no purpose but to be beautiful. "You're too kind."
"Well, I couldn't bare to make you sad," He said, smiling, touched despite knowing very well that the Keeper would probably much rather shove him off on the first Dalish clan that would taken him. But it was the thought that counted.
He grinned as she took the present.
"Of course you can have it. I don't think it would suit me very well, or your mother, and I can't let it go to waste." Despite the flippancy, he was obviously very pleased that she was pleased with it. He leaned back, taking a deep breath, looking up through the light filtering past the foliage of the trees above.
"And yes, I know it's far. I'd go farther, if I could. Orlais, maybe, or the wastes beyond. But I admit that it's hard to get very far on my own."
The frown came back to her face as he spoke, one that even such a beautiful mask couldn't appease. Her fingers traced over the gentle dips and curves of the mask as she tried to think of what to say. Clucking after someone with worry was one thing, but she didn't like to get truly upset at anyone. But the idea of him being totally fine with going that far--If he ever managed to even get there in the first place, who knew if the Keeper would even take him back. Beleth knew better than anyone else that even she had limited patience, and Gavin constantly stretched it.
When she does speak, her words are quiet, thoughtful. "That's why the Dalish live in clans, Gavin." Though her face remained towards the mask, she glanced up at him reproachfully. "We work better together. Our loyalty to each other makes us stand out from those flat ears in the villages, who forget their roots and forget each other." Her eyes flick back down to the mask, lips pressed in a thin line. She doesn't want to say anything mean, she doesn't want Gavin to get upset with her. If he gets upset at her, what if he takes even longer to come back? What if he really disappears for good?
"I won't lie, sometimes I wonder..." Her fingers went over the golden filigree. Imagining it being worn, imagining the kind of plays you would watch with someone wearing this. "But we can't always just do whatever strikes our fancy. Life isn't like that."
"Oh, I never forget you all," He said, smiling warmly to her frown. He's been hearing the same thing from her mother for years - in much harsher terms and firmer language - and he's all too used to it. "I take all of you everywhere I go."
He turned his head, looking off into the distance.
"It would be different, I think, If I were like you, Beleth. Or like Pel. Or any of the others, really. But I just... I tend to make things worse." He laughed, at that, but the laugh was a little forced. "And despite what the Keeper says, we can't just keep to ourselves forever. We can't just keep to this place forever!"
He turned his head back to look at her, tilting it with a sad smile on his lips. "There's so much out there. But I don't want you to think that means I don't care about you."
"I didn't just wake up and decide to be a Hunter, Gavin." She replied, shaking her head, expression solemn. "That was what I was good at, and that's what I was told to do, so I did it." As far as choices went, Beleth had made relatively few in her life, at least ones that mattered. Whether from her own passive nature, or the more domineering one of her mother, Beleth had spent most of her life being nudged down the path to become a proper Dalish. To be a good Hunter, loyal and unquestioning in what they were taught, the way they saw the world.
"We won't stay here forever, Gavin." She told him, voice still quiet. "Some day, Arlathan will be re-established. And when that day comes, we'll be able to stay there, and remember the old ways." Though it sounded good, it was an empty reassurance, as Beleth well knew, for who could tell when that day would finally arrive? Still, the portents were getting good: Orlais crumbling in civil war, Ferelden crumbling in civil war. Maybe if they both fell, things could begin to align. "Besides, we move around a lot already, don't we?"
But, she thinks, face solemn, turned away. That's exactly what he means, when he leaves. Maybe not that he doesn't care, but he just doesn't care enough. He doesn't care enough to try to settle down, to try to stay with them. He cares more for his roving than he does about them, and that is what it says, as clear as day, and that is what the other Dalish hear.
The smile disappeared as she spoke, the sadness pulling at the curl of his lip, making it disappear. He couldn't quite look at her. Could hear the reproach, even if she didn't say it. Had heard it enough times before.
"I know, Beleth," He murmured. "I did try. But Arlathan..." His voice trailed off, thoughtfully, and he looked down at the ground, picking up a stick to fiddle with so that his hands had something to do while he tried to figure out what to say.
"It isn't enough, what we do. How could we ever bring back anything without learning as much as we can? Thedas... this world is so big, Beleth. It's bigger than anyone can possibly fit into their heads. There's more out there than we ever see, from our Aravels. And I know I'm supposed to - I know I'm supposed to make myself fit. Take the shape that works best for me, for the clan. Creators, but I know that. But every time I try to force myself into a shape, a limb sticks out."
He poked the stick into the ground, tracing aimless patterns in the dirt.
He's wrong, he has to be wrong. It's the knowledge that they hold close, that they jealously guard, that's going to bring back Arlathan. What could going out and speaking to a bunch of dwarves teach any of them about the old, lost ways?
But more importantly, she's upset him. She was too rude, she said too much. She frowns, pressing her lips in a thin line, as if that would keep the words that hurt him from spilling out. But it was too late for that, wasn't it? Ugh.
"Gavin..." She sighed, and moved next to him, reaching out to touch his shoulder. "Everyone has a purpose, that's what the Keeper always says. You just haven't found yours yet. And it's okay if it takes a bit...! And it's alright to doubt yourself. I mean, Creators know I do it enough." She gave a dry little laugh, glancing aside. "Doubting myself, I mean. I don't doubt you, Gavin. You've got a lot of talents." She hesitated, glancing back up to him for a moment.
"And sometimes I envy you. Seeing so much of the world, and seeing all those people." It was a quiet admittance, glancing down at her hands. She stays quiet for another few breaths, then seems to make a decision, and moves suddenly. Her hands rest on his shoulders, and she leans forward, pressing her lips against his.
"I think I'm a little past 'a little bit'," He murmured wryly, offering her
a small lopsided smile. "But if you really want to see the world, Beleth,
you can always--"
Whatever he was about to say was completely lost, because suddenly she was
kissing him, and he had absolutely no idea what to do with it. Mostly out
of politeness, he pressed back, but it was chaste, and awkward, and he had
absolutely no idea what she was thinking.
She wasn't sure what she expected. Well, she did have an idea of what she expected, those days when she'd watched Pel and Gavin stare at each other like nothing else existed. When they had kissed, and Beleth had felt jealousy stir in her. But awkward teenage jealousy, whether it was out of feelings for Gavin, or simply wanting anything Pel had, faded.
That became blindingly apparent as their lips parted, and Beleth felt...nothing. She could have been kissing one of the halla on the forehead. Kissing her brother on the cheek. She looked confused as she pulled away from Gavin, glancing off to the side as she mulled over this puzzle.
Gavin couldn't help it - he laughed, bemused and helplessly.
"Was that supposed to accomplish something?" He teased quietly, knocking
his shoulder against hers. It had distracted him from the self pity for a
moment, at least, and the earnest confusion on her face was incredibly
endearing. He reached over and ruffled a hand through her hair.
"I thought that it would--I don't know. Be different." It was a difficult thing to try to express, doubly so when Gavin started messing with her hair. She responded with a huff, raising her hands to swat at him. There was no vitriol, though, and she seemed to be trying to hide a smile, even the failure of...whatever that was supposed to be was irking.
"Ugh. You're impossible, you know that? Just--Don't tell anybody I did that. Or at least that it was amazing." She wrinkled her nose at him.
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(no subject)
29/9/15 05:53 (UTC)If he'd had brothers or sisters, perhaps that would have done - but save the general familial ties of his clan, Gavin had no family.
Which is probably why he was coming to bother Beleth, when he arrived back, rather than visit anyone else.
"Brought you something," He said as he ducked down beside her. He always tried to bring souvenirs back from his wanderings - it tended to lessen the yelling.
(no subject)
29/9/15 06:58 (UTC)What she wanted or didn't want rarely factored into these things.
Maybe that's why she got along so well with Gavin. She envied him, in a way. She could never imagine just taking off like he did, wandering in and out of the clan like a half-feral cat. She was curious about the world outside of the clan, but she was more worried about how the clan would perceive her doing that. If they would talk about her like they spoke about Gavin.
When he does show up, though, he's greeted with an enthusiastic grin. "You're back! I was so worried, Gavin, would it kill you to send a note back once in a while? Let us know you haven't ended up dead in a ditch?" She didn't bother to tell him that the Keeper wasn't pleased, that there was yet more murmuring about him, because he probably already knew that. Instead, she clucks at him like a mother hen, reaching up to take his shoulder, and carefully inspect his face for signs of any hardship. "Are you hungry? I can sneak you a meal, if you want. But tell me--Where did you go?"
And, of course, what did he get her, but Beleth would never be rude enough to demand a gift.
(no subject)
29/9/15 07:13 (UTC)He opened up his pack, rummaging through it. "Oh, here and there. Kirkwall, first, though it seemed like a bit of a mess was brewing, so I turned around and went to Starkhaven instead - you should have seen the dwarves I met! I tried to take a ship to Ferelden - I know, I know, it's too far, but I thought it would be interesting anyway - but of course then I went and got sea sick. About that time I ran out of anything worth trading, so home sounded the best bet. Aha!" He paused as he fished out something wrapped up tightly in a cloth. When he unwrapped it, a delicate, silver woven mask was revealed. It should have been Orlesian, but there was something strange about it. Heavier looking than it should be.
"Here," He said, handing it to her. "Dwarven, if you would believe it. I traded it for a ram I was getting ready to roast, to some very hungry actors."
(no subject)
29/9/15 08:04 (UTC)"Kirkwall--Gavin, that place is a hornet's nest! I can't believe you went there, you're lucky the templars didn't just kill you on the off chance you might be an apostate! And--Ferelden, really?" She frowned at that, fussing turning into genuine concern. He'd been gone two months--If he'd managed to get to Ferelden, it could have been well over a year. "Gavin, that really is too far." Her voice was reproachful, sighing even as she reached to take his present. "I know you wander, but Ferelden is..."
Her words drifted off, never to be finished as he unwraps the gift. Instead, disapproval turned into surprise, to see something so fine, so beautiful. She took it with careful hands, afraid that her rough fingers could ruin something so fine. "Oh, Gavin. This is beautiful. Are you sure I can have it?" She wasn't sure what she would do with such a thing, for she was no actor. But it was a rare thing for her, to possess something that had no purpose but to be beautiful. "You're too kind."
(no subject)
29/9/15 15:12 (UTC)He grinned as she took the present.
"Of course you can have it. I don't think it would suit me very well, or your mother, and I can't let it go to waste." Despite the flippancy, he was obviously very pleased that she was pleased with it. He leaned back, taking a deep breath, looking up through the light filtering past the foliage of the trees above.
"And yes, I know it's far. I'd go farther, if I could. Orlais, maybe, or the wastes beyond. But I admit that it's hard to get very far on my own."
(no subject)
30/9/15 05:05 (UTC)When she does speak, her words are quiet, thoughtful. "That's why the Dalish live in clans, Gavin." Though her face remained towards the mask, she glanced up at him reproachfully. "We work better together. Our loyalty to each other makes us stand out from those flat ears in the villages, who forget their roots and forget each other." Her eyes flick back down to the mask, lips pressed in a thin line. She doesn't want to say anything mean, she doesn't want Gavin to get upset with her. If he gets upset at her, what if he takes even longer to come back? What if he really disappears for good?
"I won't lie, sometimes I wonder..." Her fingers went over the golden filigree. Imagining it being worn, imagining the kind of plays you would watch with someone wearing this. "But we can't always just do whatever strikes our fancy. Life isn't like that."
(no subject)
30/9/15 05:20 (UTC)He turned his head, looking off into the distance.
"It would be different, I think, If I were like you, Beleth. Or like Pel. Or any of the others, really. But I just... I tend to make things worse." He laughed, at that, but the laugh was a little forced. "And despite what the Keeper says, we can't just keep to ourselves forever. We can't just keep to this place forever!"
He turned his head back to look at her, tilting it with a sad smile on his lips. "There's so much out there. But I don't want you to think that means I don't care about you."
(no subject)
30/9/15 07:03 (UTC)"We won't stay here forever, Gavin." She told him, voice still quiet. "Some day, Arlathan will be re-established. And when that day comes, we'll be able to stay there, and remember the old ways." Though it sounded good, it was an empty reassurance, as Beleth well knew, for who could tell when that day would finally arrive? Still, the portents were getting good: Orlais crumbling in civil war, Ferelden crumbling in civil war. Maybe if they both fell, things could begin to align. "Besides, we move around a lot already, don't we?"
But, she thinks, face solemn, turned away. That's exactly what he means, when he leaves. Maybe not that he doesn't care, but he just doesn't care enough. He doesn't care enough to try to settle down, to try to stay with them. He cares more for his roving than he does about them, and that is what it says, as clear as day, and that is what the other Dalish hear.
But she doesn't say that.
(no subject)
30/9/15 14:31 (UTC)"I know, Beleth," He murmured. "I did try. But Arlathan..." His voice trailed off, thoughtfully, and he looked down at the ground, picking up a stick to fiddle with so that his hands had something to do while he tried to figure out what to say.
"It isn't enough, what we do. How could we ever bring back anything without learning as much as we can? Thedas... this world is so big, Beleth. It's bigger than anyone can possibly fit into their heads. There's more out there than we ever see, from our Aravels. And I know I'm supposed to - I know I'm supposed to make myself fit. Take the shape that works best for me, for the clan. Creators, but I know that. But every time I try to force myself into a shape, a limb sticks out."
He poked the stick into the ground, tracing aimless patterns in the dirt.
"I know it doesn't make sense. I'm sorry."
(no subject)
2/10/15 04:19 (UTC)But more importantly, she's upset him. She was too rude, she said too much. She frowns, pressing her lips in a thin line, as if that would keep the words that hurt him from spilling out. But it was too late for that, wasn't it? Ugh.
"Gavin..." She sighed, and moved next to him, reaching out to touch his shoulder. "Everyone has a purpose, that's what the Keeper always says. You just haven't found yours yet. And it's okay if it takes a bit...! And it's alright to doubt yourself. I mean, Creators know I do it enough." She gave a dry little laugh, glancing aside. "Doubting myself, I mean. I don't doubt you, Gavin. You've got a lot of talents." She hesitated, glancing back up to him for a moment.
"And sometimes I envy you. Seeing so much of the world, and seeing all those people." It was a quiet admittance, glancing down at her hands. She stays quiet for another few breaths, then seems to make a decision, and moves suddenly. Her hands rest on his shoulders, and she leans forward, pressing her lips against his.
Maybe...This would help?
(no subject)
6/10/15 12:34 (UTC)"I think I'm a little past 'a little bit'," He murmured wryly, offering her a small lopsided smile. "But if you really want to see the world, Beleth, you can always--"
Whatever he was about to say was completely lost, because suddenly she was kissing him, and he had absolutely no idea what to do with it. Mostly out of politeness, he pressed back, but it was chaste, and awkward, and he had absolutely no idea what she was thinking.
(no subject)
8/10/15 03:20 (UTC)That became blindingly apparent as their lips parted, and Beleth felt...nothing. She could have been kissing one of the halla on the forehead. Kissing her brother on the cheek. She looked confused as she pulled away from Gavin, glancing off to the side as she mulled over this puzzle.
"...Well, that didn't work."
(no subject)
8/10/15 12:26 (UTC)Gavin couldn't help it - he laughed, bemused and helplessly.
"Was that supposed to accomplish something?" He teased quietly, knocking his shoulder against hers. It had distracted him from the self pity for a moment, at least, and the earnest confusion on her face was incredibly endearing. He reached over and ruffled a hand through her hair.
"Thanks, Beleth."
(no subject)
12/10/15 04:55 (UTC)"Ugh. You're impossible, you know that? Just--Don't tell anybody I did that. Or at least that it was amazing." She wrinkled her nose at him.
(no subject)
13/10/15 16:58 (UTC)He chuckled when she swatted at him, and pulled his hand back.
"Your secret is safe with me," he said, solemnly holding his hand over his heart. Or, well, as solemnly as one could manage while grinning.